"Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you; they're gifts given to help you discover who you are."

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Still kicking

Hello world of cancer blog readers; my apologies for being AWOL for quite some time here. I've been pretty busy plugging along...going to chemo, going to work, going nuts in my own head trying to figure out how to deal with all of this. 

Also busy making lists of things I have to get done before I die; who would have thought I (who ME?) would have been making THAT list.....refinance the mortgage, figure out how your spouse goes about getting your 401k, setting up that college savings plan I've been meaning to do for years now, write an obituary, join a church, find a lawyer, write a will, think of songs for my funeral, look into prepaid funeral plans, reach out to old friends.   It goes on and on.  It's a hefty list.  I'm pretty good at avoiding most of them.  All these critical things that need to be done.  I sleep better knowing they're on a list somewhere but I don't actually accomplish any of them.  I hunt for new recipes on Pinterest, I email friends, I waste time on Facebook, I read entertaining novels and avoid the cancer stuff I "should" be reading. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm still fighting to live.  But dying is never far from my thoughts.
It's a monumental thing to get your head around. It consumes me, and on bad days I wonder if I need some kind of therapy to help me with dying. On good days I wonder what if the doctors are all wrong, what if I can beat the odds and be that one that makes it.  Got good news this week, PET scan after round 3 reveals "favorable response to treatment".  That means we continue with rounds 4, 5 and 6.  I was ridiculously happy about this for a whole day.  Then I started having doubts....can I make it? I think I can, I think I can. I have no choice. I can do this.