"Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you; they're gifts given to help you discover who you are."

Saturday, January 12, 2013

This just keeps getting better and better

CT scan at the liver surgeon appt showed additional spots and "areas of concern" on the liver.
He consults with my oncologist and comes in to say surgery is not the best option.  Rather they'd prefer to proceed directly to "systemic" chemotherapy, so it can address ALL areas of cancer, even the ones we may not know about yet. 
Eerily quiet in the room.  This guy that I had high hopes for saving me has summarily dismissed me after talking to me and my husband for all of 4 minutes.  Done, gone.
Huge disappointment and I have trouble holding it together long enough to get out of there.

2 days later the oncologists office finally calls to say what chemo regime they're recommending.  Also having a port put in; chemo starting on Monday.  Waited until Friday for scheduling to call me back only to say that my insurance company hadn't pre-approved it yet, so it would need to be pushed to either Wed or the following Monday.  I feel like we're losing valuable time.  It's almost two months now since cellular activity was first seen on the PET scan. Frustrating doesn't begin to describe it.  Wondering if I should get a second opinion, but I don't have the energy.

Friday after the port surgery, I get around to telling most of my family and friends about the situation.
OK, so I guess I did learn something last time around :)  The communication plan is in full swing.
It feels good to not have to hide it anymore. Not that I'm so noble about it; just had to get it over with before my hair starts falling out...

Saturday after the port surgery, my chest and neck are so sore that I decide to take a couple of the pain pills my husband had leftover after surgery for bladder stones.  Suffice to say that I was out for the entire day....came around about dinner time, really pissed at myself for wasting half my weekend. Enough of this wallowing around.  I'm ready to move on with living.

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Not the best news

I've been avoiding this for awhile now...its as difficult to write about as it is to talk about.
Gradually over the past week or so, the truth of the situation has slowly sifted through me.
Call me dense.  It's taken awhile. Apparently it's not like in the movies when the doc says "sorry ma'am, but you only have xxx months to live."  I had to read between the lines, make some inferences based on experience, and then do a little research on my own. 
Some phrases I remember:
"We don't have a crystal ball".
"We're going to treat it very aggressively, because of your age"  (which made me wonder....does that mean they DON'T treat older people aggresively?)
"You might want to make sure you have a will; take care of your children"
"Cancerous cells in the liver indicate that they're in the bloodstream, which means a new level of pervasiveness"
"Gradually, the chemo stops working"

I started this blog in an effort to inspire other women facing vaginal cancer.  I'm sorry if I'm not being very inspirational right now. This blog may take a new turn....
Basically right now I am just pissed.  Trying to stay positive, but I really have no idea what to do or how to deal with this.  Everytime I think about all the details I wanted to see watching my daughter grow up, all the life events that will happen without me, I am overwhelmed with sadness and panic. 

Seeing a liver surgeon on Monday. Wish me luck.