No medical news, and tired of talking about it anyway...so I find the other thing most frequently rattling around in my semi-functional brain lately is how to help others deal with my illness. Which, by the way, is still just so damn weird. I look fine (as fine as an overweight, middle aged bald chick can look), I feel fine (when chemo hasn't kicked my ass), so can't we just ignore the looming dark cloud? Speak around the elephant in the room?
Not to mention, it's really easy to get sucked into a focus on ME, ME, ME. After all, I'm the one dying here--can't the rest of the world bend over and kiss my ass please?
It's a struggle to remember that those around me, at least the ones who really care about me, are hurting too. I try to get inside their head and figure out--are they really dealing with it? Or are they pretending its not happening? Do they think about what life will be like without me in it? Is there sadness? Anxiety? Or do they fly through the days focusing on other things so they don't have to think about it?
It's like this huge task called "Helping Other People Deal" is out there--waiting for me to take it on. But I don't have the energy. Or the skills. I don't know where to start. And why do I have to do this anyway? Can't you figure out how to do it on your own for once? Do I have to do everything around here?
WOW!!!!!!! my thoughts exactly!
ReplyDeleteMy husband left on Friday to go camping. when he left the AC in the bedroom was not working and I was sick as a dog. I was so pissed off that he left and yet I knew he had to for his only sanity. In his case, he is in total denial. I have no idea how to help him. What I know about me so far is if, after surgery, if my nodes are clean I have 10 + years. If it's in my nodes 5. If its in my lungs, 12 to 14 months. Memorial Sloan kettering says its likely that its in my lungs and that nodes are involved. Johns Hopkins disagrees so I'm going to them for treatment. I have no idea how much time I have, at this point. I just know today, I am here but a bit hung over. (shhh...don't tell anyone)
Here's hoping you're on the distant end of that spectrum.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure which is worse..knowing or not knowing. I've never done well with ambiguity.
And why is it that people think cancer patients can't drink? God knows we have a better reason than most, but I feel judged every time I have a glass of wine (or six)...
Monkey Me checking in on Dee....... I'm on glass two... and you??? ((((LOVE)))))) Shannon
ReplyDeleteHi GM, so jealous of you having cocktails right now. My guts are still recovering from chemo last week....maybe next week :)
ReplyDelete~D.