"Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you; they're gifts given to help you discover who you are."

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Update, schmupdate

I get the occasional request for "updates", and I'm not sure how to respond. 
I really can't think of a standard answer....where to start?
I could go into detail about how shitty I feel for days after chemo; could talk about the weird pressure in my throat and chest that is begging me to stop the madness. 
I could talk about how this whole pain in the ass routine is going to be with me for the rest of my life, or at least until I throw up the STOP sign.
I could talk about the latest scan results, or the latest battle with the insurance company.

But I really don't want to.  The whole business gives me a bad taste in my mouth. Why would I want to savor it? I don't want to go over it again, because you see, these "updates" are not really news--they are just the new normal of my life. 
I have nothing more interesting to say than the dopey people who post about how best to clean your hardwood floors or make your windows shine.
This cancer crap is just boring, routine stuff that I'd rather not repeat.  Rather not talk about.  Rather not write about. Guess that makes me worthless as a cancer blogger, eh?  Might be time to hang it up entirely since I spend so much time avoiding it.

So instead I answer with all the bluntness I can muster.  There is no update. My disease is terminal.  We all deal with it as needed, when we're forced to. It's just so much easier to avoid it entirely.  I'm too damn busy living day to day to come up with anything profound.

7 comments:

  1. ugh...... right there next to you. I can't believe how shitty chemo is. I'm miserable. I appreciate your honestly more than you know Dee. much love, Shannon

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    1. Good to hear from you Shannon. Don't let the bastard get you down.
      xxoo

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  2. dear Dee,

    I want you to know I found your blog via Renn's blog list, and I am so glad I did. I read every post from the beginning and find your writing to be so eloquent, candid and love your sense of humor. I am so sorry for what you have had to and are deal with having vaginal cancer.

    I first was dx'd with St IV breast cancer. then 8 weeks after my husband suddenly passed away, while in a robust remission from his cancer, I was dx'd with uterine cancer which had spread through 75% of the cervical wall. I had surgery, then months of radiation, including vaginal/internal radiation, and am now doing chemo. having vaginal cancer is my greatest fear, but one I feel compelled to consider if the treatment is not effective. I don't want to think of it, and work hard at banishing fear for something that may never happen; but still, it's not easy with my history.

    I want you to know that I came away from reading about your experience feeling very grateful. it did not magnify my fear, and no, you do not represent my greatest nightmare. I think sharing your story put things into perspective for me. and I was inspired by how you have been so forthright with all the aspects of what you are and have been going through. I am sure you have helped legions of people with your honesty, with all of the good, the bad, and the ugly, and that many such as I feel such a deep sense of gratitude for every bit of it. for me, as I grieve the loss of my Beloved, and undergo this hideous, ridiculous treatment, gratitude and hope are what keeps me sane. I will hold you up in the highest light of hope, and send you waves and waves of warm hugs. I hope you can FEEL them sailing through the ether, straight to your heart for comfort and to let you know you are not alone.

    much love and light to you, Dee,

    Karen (Sutherland), TC (The Commenter)

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    1. Hey, thanks much for stopping by and reading. I appreciate your comments; it's always nice to know someone can relate. Hope your treatments go well and your soul can begin to heal as well. Keep in touch TC.

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  3. Dee, I'm not sure any of us realize the tendrils we create when we our blog posts and hit update. In the thick of treatment monotony we may may feel our "updates" are just more of the same old, same old, "not really news, just the new normal of my life" as you say, but to the people you reach via those tendrils, your words, your experience, it matters! And I totally get how hard it is to summon energy to write about what seems mundane. But therein lies the beauty of each one of us. My mundane is not your mundane is not Karen TC's mundane is not Shannon's mundane. Yet that is what tethers us. We get it. So please keep writing, even if it's sporadic. We are listening, we are learning, as are others you will never know you've reached.
    xoxoxo

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  4. Thanks for your kind words Renn. I like the 'tendrils' concept...puts a visual in my mind of lives touching other lives and that's what it's all about, isn't it?
    ~D.

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  5. Your words are touching. If it may help you, water fasting, calorie restriction, bitter herbs, and raw food diet (including raw egg yolks, raw liver) have been found to cure or prolong life of a cancer patient.

    Rita

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