Cisplatin and navelbine are kicking my ass--via my guts.
As usual, the body being sick kicks the brain into overdrive.
My head is spinning. I don't know how to carry on my 'normal' life feeling this shitty.
I don't know how to say 'enough already' when I have a little girl begging me to stay.
I don't know how to deal with a spouse having his own medical issues.
I need help, but there is no one is this bucket of crap with me. I feel alone with no one to turn to.
I read the happy stories of cancer patients surrounded by support and I get angry. Where is my support? Why do I have to do this alone?
Pity, party of one...
oh, Dee,
ReplyDeletemy heart goes out to you, and I am so sorry for all that your are going through. feeling wretched from the treatment AND going it alone must be so very difficult. please know I am here for you, and that I am sending you all my best, most powerful vibes for your comfort and for healing. being isolated during your ordeal is not acceptable; no one should have to feel so alone and so shitty at the same time. most cancer centers have a psycho/social department for each segment of treatment, usually a SW who is a MSW, to whom you may be able to reach out to. I know it is particularly hard to ask for help when you feel so lousy physically - I had that same situation after my husband died, and was too afraid to call friends to help me with the support I needed. I didn't think they would understand, because they didn't have cancer. but I know now that they would still have been able to at least be a presence - to come with me for chemo, sit with me for awhile, or even just talk on the phone. I wish so much I could reach through this damned computer screen and give you a warm hug. please know i am thinking of you, and i hope you are able to keep writing, keep venting as much as you want to, as much as you need to.
much love and warm hugs through the ether,
Karen xoxo
Cancer sucks. I'm so sorry you are going through this. It is incredibly isolating. No one knows what it's like. Finding support is just another task that feels impossible--I wish someone could take that task on for you, a spouse, family member, or friend, to create a schedule of mealmakers or babysitters or set up a therapy appointment, or just sit with you in the crap bucket. But sometimes when we need support most, there's no one there. Please know that even though we're useless to you and unknown to you, other human beings on the planet are reading, caring, hoping, and being with you in spirit, that in that very very small way, you aren't alone. I pray that soon you'll have some caregivers and support in the flesh where it counts. And know also that your honest posts provide support to others and help us feel less alone, although I wish no one ever had to go through this.
ReplyDeleteThanks you guys....it's so easy to get sucked into feeling sorry for yourself, isn't it? Karen, you are so right in that I suck at asking for help. I don't like to, I don't want to, so I don't. Then I get bitter for having no one to share. Anon, thanks for confirming that not everyone is surrounded by warmth all the time and that cancer is isolating unto itself. And you're not useless to me. I appreciate your comments and your cyber support.
ReplyDelete~D.
dear Dee, if there is anything I have conveyed that has helped even a little then I am very glad - I so appreciate your note. just one more thing about reaching out - try, try taking a chance and call just one person who can help - might be someone to go to an appt. with, one person to meet up for coffee with whom you can share, a neighbor or friend who can respond to a request for a hug - anything, anyone - I promise, after you do it the first time it won't be so hard. and if they ask what they can do, be ready with a list in your head or your pocket to let them know exactly what might help - stop at the grocer's, pick up a prescription, run an errand, whatever you need. it was such a relief when I took my therapist's advice and did it - I did not want to do it, it was an assignment I felt I had to fulfill, but it was the best thing I could have imagined, because it erased some on the isolation, and I got reassurance I would not be an old poop, or a weakling, or a pain in the ass. which was what I was afraid of (plus, I was in a state of inertia!). I learned I didn't have to give up my independence with asking for help, in fact, I felt more empowered knowing I could rely on a few chosen, special people. just sayin' - it only takes one successful try, and then it get's easier. think of all the times others whom you care about have had troubles and you wished so much you could do something to help. when we ask for help, even just some tiny thing, we are really giving others a gift - one that allays their feelings of helplessness. and don't forget - I will still be here,, cheering you on and sending you all my best thoughts and warm hugs, and an ear to listen - always...
ReplyDeletewith much love,
Karen xoxo