Recurrence

Sorry to drag out the end of that adventure....just realized it's been awhile since I posted the initial uncertainty.  The liver biopsy procedure has come and gone, and not surprisingly it was positive for cancer in the liver.  I got to see the spot on the ultrasound; it looked pretty little and harmless.
The appointment with the oncologist has been changed a couple of times now...she's on vacation for the holidays don't ya know. 
So I plod along in blissful ignorance of what is coming at me; the only shreds of information I got via a poorly connected international phone call from her nurse when I was traveling for work.
Here's what I gleaned:

• they don't usually radiate the liver
• surgery is not an option, but the "why" would need to be addressed by the doc
• radiation to the pelvis is questionnable, since I've already had so much in that area.
• more chemo is probably in my future

Everything I read about vaginal cancer that has metastisized to the liver is pretty grim.  It's somewhat surreal; I feel fine.  How can I be in the shrinking percentages as far as survival goes?  How can this be happening to me? 
I still haven't stopped and taken the time to seriously contemplate my mortality.
Still working towards a huge deadline/project/goal at work, wondering how I'd going to fit chemo into my 12 hour days.
Still working on raising that teenager; wondering how she will grow up to be a successful and happy adult without me around to guide her...
Geez, this cancer stuff sucks.

The other shoe

So PET scans are an annual event now....recently had the 2012 occasion only to hear the following day (shocking, I know...) from my oncologists' office.  Wanted to see me earlier than scheduled to review the report from the radiologist.  I'm thinking "this can't be good", but never called them back.  Didn't have time to reschedule on the day they wanted me to come in.  I guess avoidance isn't going to work; her nurse called me the day after to explain, in a kind and gentle manner, that there were, and I quote..."2 areas lighting up....one at the top of the vagina and another on the liver." 
Next up:  CT guided liver biopsy.  You can't make this stuff up.
All I could think was "Fuck, I don't have time for this...."

Farewell Carol

When I first started down the cancer road, I was consumed with just getting through it--making it to appointments, working, managing the demands of everyday home life; just the usual stuff with the added inconvenience of cancer in the mix.  Looking up medical information on line was overwhelming and exhausting--conflicting information and not enough detail for me.  I gave it up or just didn't have time or energy for it...don't really remember which.

When I came out on the other side of treatments, alive and (fairly) well, I figured out I needed to deal with NOT having cancer.  I thought more about it later than I did during the low points of the experience.  I started this blog around that time--mostly because there was very little information or personal experience on the web specific to the treatment, the emotions, the survival of vaginal cancer patients.  I had a deep desire to put my story out there to help others who were in the same boat-- I wanted to provide real life, down to earth information that someone out there could relate to; wanted to be able to help by providing some insights into what to expect. Digging into this personal side of cancer, specifically vaginal cancer, led me to the blog of another vaginal cancer fighter.  I've been reading her blog ever since.  Carol had neuro endocrine small cell cancer of the vagina which spread to her lungs, liver, lymph nodes and bones.  She also had probably the best sense of humor found in a cancer patient--ever.  I don't know her personally; just know that her blog was a delight to read.  A great outlook on life (and death), a pretty funny family along for the ride, and an ability to see light and beauty in her darkest days. Living life and crossing things off the bucket list to the end.

Rest in peace Carol, and thanks for your words.

http://confessionsofacancerpatient.blogspot.com/

Caution: Gross content ahead

Can't remember how much of this I've shared, but I continue to have some issues with rectal bleeding. So I've become convinced by my intensive medical research (Google) that I now have colorectal cancer.  Or at least that seems to be a seed planted in my brain that has sprouted and is growing like a weed.

I can hear you, meager reading audience o' mine...you're thinking "why in the hell doesn't she go to a real doctor?" And the answer is...I have mentioned this several times to my oncologist at my regular PAP smearing checkups and it never seems to be a cause for alarm; simply gets dismissed as a hangover from radiation.  If that's the case, it might be the longest hangover of my life.

Hoping that the next PET scan can put this recurring nag out of my brain forever.

Blessings, I've had a few

Wow....what a summer.  Lots of time with family and a few short vacations/celebrations of life.
Feeling great, and feeling blessed in so many ways.

Recently had another negative PAP result, so all things vag are looking stable and, dare I say, normal.
If I can clear the next PET scan in November, I think I may finally feel like this whole little detour has wound its way back to the main road.

I've decided it's time (actually well past time) to start paying attention to my body....meaning exercise (UGH) well, getting at least more than zero is a start....and eating better.   Between the hysterectomy, the ovary killing radiation and corresponding menopause, I find myself now with a lot of weight to lose to be comfortable and healthy again.

One journey might be over; another is just beginning. Wish me luck....this may be harder than beating cancer.

Be smart

Cancer awareness doesn't cure the disease, research does.
All the 'awareness' in the world doesn't help anyone already living with cancer.

Cancer in our culture has turned into a profit center for organizations who haven't cured anyone.

Don't be fooled by the hype; be smart in how you help.

Suddenly it's summer

I seem to have missed a season.  Suddenly it's the 4th of July, which normally indicates summer is in full swing. Spring went by in a flash...and now it is HOT in the Midwest.  But loving these days...even the heat and humidity, because I know summer will be gone in a flash as well.

I talked to someone yesterday who is going through chemo and radiation for the first time.  I struggled with whether or not to share my experiences.  In the end I decided not to (he is a coworker, and I would have had far too much explaining to do). Another thing I may live to regret, and another reason to wish I had come clean when I was going through it all.

I'm frustrated with myself for not opening up.  Why is it so much easier with strangers?
I still have a desire to help others, but I may have to branch out from helping those struggling specifically with vaginal cancer; seems our ranks are pretty limited.